What high achieving parents need to know about self-concept, shortcuts, and restoring high standards at home, on campus, and in the workplace.
In an age of instant gratification, relentless competition, and socially-driven definitions of success, the traditional ethos of excellence has quietly eroded. This shift didn’t happen overnight. It emerged from a confluence of cultural, educational, and economic forces that have reshaped what it means to strive, persevere, and excel.
For high-achieving parents of college students – who deeply value achievement and opportunity – understanding this trend matters. It affects how your student perceives themselves, the standards they hold for their work, and their willingness to take ethical and effortful paths toward meaningful goals.
I’ve been thinking about excellence recently as my travel has picked up again following COVID and we’re renovating our house. I’m thinking about how excellence has changed over time and the impact on the students I work with. I’ve stayed at budget dives and 5 Star exclusive hotels. Putting aside comfort and convenience, I’ve taken note of the gap I observe between expectations and reality. Excellence does not mean expensive though that’s our current cultural standard. I expect cheap motels to have low quality. I’m paying for a room, bed, and shower for a night. But at swanky hotels like the Ritz Carlton, I’m paying for an experience, quality, and attention to detail. I’m paying for excellence.
What ‘Excellence Used to Mean
Historically, excellence was anchored in effort, integrity, sustained discipline, and the pursuit of mastery over time. Students were encouraged to embrace challenge, to endure frustration, and to value learning over performance alone. This created a strong internal compass and an identity tied to resilience and craft. The quality of our creation or work mattered.
Excellence was craftsmanship. Excellence was cleaning until the service was spotless. Excellence was hotel staff that knew your name and never said ‘No’ but figured out how to solve a problem. Excellence was building a car that ran for 100,000 miles.
What’s Changed in the Last Few Decades
1. Home Environments and Over-Parenting
High-achievement families often provide abundant resources – tutors, extracurriculars, college prep – but may inadvertently shelter students from failure. What I refer to as the Paradox of Privilege. When parents intervene to secure A’s or opportunities, children may internalize the idea that real effort and ownership belong to others, not them. They also learn to privilege outcome over process.
2. College Culture and Grade Inflation
Many universities have seen grading norms drift upward without corresponding increases in rigor. Students learn quickly that a high GPA, rather than deep learning, often unlocks internships, scholarships, and admissions to graduate programs. This reinforces performance orientation over authentic excellence. Additionally, professors are fearful of constructive criticism and holding students to account since their tenure, pay raises, and other benefits are often directly connected to the feedback received from course surveys. So what happens? Professors back off, lower their standards since the cost-benefit-analysis of maintaining an environment of high standards does not add up.
3. Business Trends and Shortcut Incentives
Industries reward rapid results, quick pivots, hustle culture, and “lean” outputs. The share price of matters more than the quality of the product or service they sell. In startup and corporate environments alike, speed is prized over deliberation. When students see this mirrored in internships and job postings, they embrace efficiency over craft, and shortcuts over mastery. Students learn that risk is to be separated from decision makers. All of this adds up to quality (aka excellence) as a casualty.
4. Technology and the Shortcut Economy
AI tools, online solutions, and information at the click of a button make it easier to circumvent hard learning. While technology can be a lever for productivity, it also tempts students to sidestep cognitive friction – the very process through which expertise forms. Excellence does not develop in a frictionless vacuum.
The Impact on College Students
Weakened Self-Concept
Many students increasingly define worth through external validation – grades, likes, accolades – instead of intrinsic measures like growth, curiosity, and resilience. When excellence is equated with effortless success, setbacks feel unacceptable and identity becomes fragile. Why do you think so many students want to be ‘employed’ as an influencer? What about the benefits of serving others? Students miss out on the opportunities to be treated like garbage and come back the next day, ego squashed but work still to do.
Give me an amen for distress tolerance!
Lower Internal Standards
Students accustomed to curated (aka controlled) success often struggle to set and maintain high personal standards. This leads to:
- Avoidance of challenging coursework
- Reliance on shortcuts like strategic studying or tech support
- Preference for outcomes over process
Ethical Ambiguity and Shortcuts
Shortcut culture isn’t only about laziness. It’s about risk-reward perception. When the reward system (grades, placement) overshadows the learning process, students may rationalize unethical shortcuts as ‘efficient’ or ‘adaptive.’ If I cheat on a test, it’s because I’m smart, not because I’m unethical.
Restoring a Culture of Excellence: Evidence-Based Strategies
Here are concrete, research-supported approaches parents, professors, and clinicians can implement to help students cultivate resilience, purpose, and enduring standards of excellence.
For Parents: Build a Home Culture that Values Process
1. Praise Effort, Not Results
Research in developmental psychology shows that emphasizing effort (‘You worked hard on this.’) fosters growth mindset, while outcome praise (‘You’re so smart!’) fosters performance orientation. Encourage students to reflect on what they learned, not just what they achieved. Excellence = Doing Hard Things.
2. Model High Standards Through Your Actions
Children internalize norms by watching adults. Let them see you persist through challenges, manage delayed gratification, and honor commitments. Excellence = Seeing Role Models Doing Hard Things.
3. Support Autonomy, Not Control
Instead of fixing academic struggles, ask questions like:
- ‘What strategy did you try?’
- ‘What are three things you can adjust for next time?’
This builds self-efficacy and problem-solving skills. Excellence = Resiliency
For Professors: Teach for Mastery, Not Memorization
4. Scaffold Challenges Incrementally
Break complex tasks into progressive benchmarks. This sustains engagement without overwhelming students.
5. Integrate Reflective Practice
Incorporate structured reflection in coursework. Ask students to write about what they learned from mistakes.
6. Provide Meaningful Feedback
Feedback that targets process, strategy, and effort – not just correctness – produces deeper learning gains and motivation.
For Clinicians: Support Identity, Motivation, and Thrive Skills
7. Strengthen Growth Mindset
Use evidence-based interventions that reframe abilities as malleable. Growth mindset training has been shown to improve persistence and resilience.
8. Teach Self-Regulation and Executive Skills
Help students build planning, organization, and time management skills. These are linked to academic success and long-term self-efficacy.
9. Address Perfectionism and Fear of Failure
Many high-achieving students struggle with maladaptive perfectionism. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) strategies can help students tolerate discomfort, reframe setbacks, and pursue values-aligned excellence.
Final Thought
Excellence isn’t a relic. It’s a skill and a mindset that can be revived with intention, consistency, and aligned environments. Affluent parents of college students are uniquely positioned to champion this resurgence by modeling resilience, reinforcing learning processes over outcomes, and supporting students in building rich, internal standards of excellence.
When we reclaim excellence as effortful, ethical, and enduring, we help the next generation become not just successful, but deeply capable and fulfilled.