For years I’ve responded to emails, Facebook posts, LinkedIn questions and phone calls from parents of college students looking for suggestions and reassurance. Now, I’ve finally pulled some of the most asked questions and my responses into a series of AMA. If you have additional questions you don’t see covered here, contact me today.
Motivation & Mindset
Q: What’s the best way to help them stay motivated when classes get tough?
A: Our job as parents is not to motivate them when they’re in college. It’s to pay for stuff, give advice when asked, and tell them we love them. We can replace the word ‘motivate’ with ‘understand’ or many other broad terms that are by-products of behavior and circumstances. College students stay motivated by creating a plan (aka routine) that attends to each part of their life. Best thing for you to do for their motivation is to remind them to attend to sleep, nutrition, fitness, and being a good friend.
Q: How do I support them without hovering or micromanaging?
A: Support is providing resources when asked (or when we know it’s necessary). Micromanaging is not support. It’s pushing someone to execute on tasks. It robs them of consequences which robs them of behavior modification. Basically, they don’t learn how to problem solve for small, medium, and large obstacles. Let them win or lose and own both.
Q: How can they set realistic goals for the semester?
A: Let’s first define what a realistic goal is. It’s when a desired outcome has enough resources for completion. I encourage students to push themselves but not break themselves. What’s the difference? Pushing ourselves is aiming for 10% over what we think we can do. Breaking ourselves is 50% more. It’s the difference between challenge and delusion. Best way for them to set realistic goals is to develop a routine (daily/weekly) that attends to each role in their life (eg. student, son, friend, etc.) Routine is ultimately the process we use to achieve goals.
Q: How do they recover from a bad grade or difficult feedback?
A: First is to figure out if there’s anything they can do to fix it. Next, determine if this is part of a trend or just a data point. It’s also important to modify their routine since clearly something didn’t work right. Maybe it was studying at night instead of in the morning. Maybe they missed too many classes. Lastly, they need to take full responsibility for the outcome, even if there were other variables that affected it.
Q: How can they keep perspective if things don’t go as planned?
A: Most suffering comes from the gap between expectations (goals + attachment) and reality. Working with someone to help them focus on the process and strategies (eg. routine, using a calendar, evidence-based study skills) rather than the expected outcome is super helpful. Additionally, they can also learn how to develop goals and move away from expectations. Goals are simply challenges we have for ourselves while acknowledging that outcomes are often dictated by lots of things out of our control.
Communication & Parent-Student Relationship
Q: How often should we check in without overwhelming them?
A: For freshman, I’d recommend 2x/week (Tuesdays and Fridays), for everyone else, talking 1x/week is a good minimum. Ultimately, I’d ask them “What sort of frequency works for you for us to talk?” Just blowing up their phone daily or several times per week without asking them what works best for them isn’t going to work. It’s also not ok for college students to ghost their parents. Talk with them about finding a middle ground that respects their growing autonomy but also attends to still being your kiddo.
Q: What’s the best way to respond if they call stressed or upset?
A: I love this question. Most of us jump in to solve their problem. Don’t. Your instinct is fantastic but your effectiveness is lacking. The best thing to do is listen with the intent of understanding. Let them vent. Don’t agree with them, just reflect back – “Sounds like you had a really lousy day.” The most valuable thing in that last line is the period. Stop talking after you reflect. Don’t solve the problem. Sit with them. When they are ready and when they are truly stuck or in a corner, they will ask for help. Then you can help them identify some solutions.
Q: How do I avoid turning every call into a lecture?
A: Refer to my last answer. Lectures are really just fancy shoes and lipstick we put on unsolicited advice. The best way not to lecture them is to not jump to save them or solve their problems. Wait until they are really in a bind and need insight. Otherwise, talk less, listen more, and just pay the damn tuition bills.
Q: What topics should we discuss regularly besides grades?
A: Talk about boring, basic, day to day things. Updates on grandmom. Updates on the dogs. Keep it light. The heavy topics like academic probation, eating disorders, lack of jobs, etc. can wait for face to fact over a break.
Q: How do I respect their independence while still being involved?
A: Don’t focus on respect. Focus on your behavior if you want to communicate respect. Be proactive in ways to foster independence before they ask. Ask their opinions when it comes to when to come home for a break. Get their thoughts on how they’d like to spend parents weekend. Hand responsibility (aka independence) over to them.
Q: Thanks for reading today. Please forward to a friend if you found this helpful.